Sharpie 500 preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: Sharpie 500
TV: ESPN 7:00pm EST (Saturday)
Location: Bristol Motor Speedway (Bristol, TN)
Distance: 266.5 miles/500 laps
Past winners: Ky. Busch (3/07); C. Edwards (8/07); J. Burton (3/08).

*Rusty Wallace, the Chase is nigh, and cheating*

ESPN loves putting microphones in front of ex-sporting stars for them to prognosticate about the sports in which they excelled. It must be company policy to hire the biggest recently-retired star and toss them into a studio or booth as quickly as possible. (See Smith, Emmitt.) The likelihood of one of these quasi-commentators saying anything insightful (or coherent, for that matter) whist "on-air" is about as likely as a RB-editor sticking a midget on pole at Winchester. It's just not going to happen.

That brings us to Rusty Wallace, who was a stud behind the wheel of a stock car, but suffers from debilitating verbal diarrhea in front of the camera. His storied career as a broadcaster started the year after his retirement with an oft hilarious stint as third booth-man during IRL IndyCar Series events on ABC/ESPN. This was merely to give Rusty some booth-time before NASCAR made its return to the Disney family of networks the next year. He added nothing to the IRL-casts and referred to the 'Indy 500' as the 'Daytona 500' with 10-laps to go during the Greatest Spectacle in Racing. Ouch.

Rusty has not progressed much since his humble TV beginnings. He does sound a bit more authoritative now that he is strictly a NASCAR analyst. He also has been mercilessly moved from the announce booth to the studio, to play the host/analyst role alongside Allen Bestwick and Brad Daugherty. But still:

We tell you this because Rusty happened to be one of the quickest and most successful drivers at Bristol Motor Speedway. Ever. He had nine Cup series wins and seven poles at BMS. This means Saturday night's coverage is going to be extra thick with Rusty-speak. His made-up phrases, subject-verb disagreements and constant references to "cats" will be off the chart. Rusty is at home at BMS; so God knows what will come out of his mouth. Keep a tally of how many references are made to his nine victories. We are thinking the over/under will be around 18.

Oh. Joy.

After Saturday night's race there will be only be two events until the field is set for the Chase. Here's a Chase refresher via the folks at Jayski:

After Race 26, the top 12 drivers in the points will qualify for the Chase. All 12 drivers will have their point totals re-set to 5,000; each will then receive a 10-point bonus for each race victory they had during the first 26 races. Race winners throughout the Chase (and the whole season, for that matter) receive 185 points. Counting the five-point bonuses available for leading at least one lap and leading the most laps, a race winner can earn a maximum of 195 points, creating a possible maximum of 25 points between first- and second-place finishers

Look for the drivers very much on the bubble of making the Chase during the next three races. Barring some sort of catastrophic paints-shitting event, these are those drivers: Harvick, Gordon, Kenseth, Kahne, Hamlin, Bowyer, Ragan. At this point in the season, the point's strategy implored by bubble drivers is pretty simple. Have good finishes, make the Chase. Have bad finishes, don't make the Chase. Racing is simple.

Joe Gibbs Racing got nailed with huge penalties after their Nationwide teams were caught cheating in Michigan post race tech. It is yet to be seen if this event will somehow transcend the series and impact the JGR Cup effort. We kind of doubt it though. This is the team's first major brush with NASCAR tech officials, and all indications point that this was not the work of any high-level team directives, but the isolated doings of a few. At least that's what Kenny Wallace is saying. But, he is related to Rusty, so take that for what it's worth.

*In Kenny's speedtv.com piece on the subject, he says Joe Gibbs has won four Super Bowls. As the sharp commentator at the bottom of the piece correctly states, that's not true. Coach has only won three. We guess Kenny had a Rusty moment.

About this race:

*What to know:

Bump and grind and run: The track surface has been repaved at Bristol and the result is a track that is more conducive to two-wide racing. You no longer have to get into the rear (hehe) of the guy you're trying to pass to make a move. While it's quite possible to pass cleanly at BMS, still expect some hip-hop dance club grinding to take place, especially as the laps wind down. Just because you can pass clean, doesn't mean you will. With about 50-to go the track will resemble a junior prom with an Jeezy song playing.

Here come the Fords: Ford teams, or Roush-Fenway Racing to be more exact, have been a tear of late. This sport is all about streaks and getting hot at the right time. It looks like the Roush guys are hitting a stride at the opportune moment. "Hot" Carl Edwards has four straight top-10 finishes and, in the last six races, has only finished outside of the top three twice. His teammate David Ragan is coming off of a career-best third at Michigan last week and has three top-10s in the last five events. He is also flirting with the top-12 as the Chase nears. Expect the Roush guys to be strong this weekend, as they could have three teams in the Chase if things play to their favor.

*Who to watch:

Jeff Burton: Won the spring race at BMS and has been consistent in his last four starts in the hills of TN. He is a lock for the Chase, sitting p5 and is the best shot Chevy has at finding victory lane. Should Burton win, it will be the first season sweep of Bristol since 2003.

Carl Edwards: "Hot" Carl's streak of success continues as he put his Ford on the pole for Saturday's race. He has had success at BMS in the past with three top-10s and a win. His average finish is 15.4. Almost more important than starting at the front at Bristol is getting to pick the pit stall of your choice for the race. We're sure he picked a good one.

Jeff Gordon: In dire need of a good run to solidify his spot in the Chase, Gordon will start p3 Saturday. Gordon is consistent as shit at Bristol with 18 career top-10's to go with his five wins. His average finish at BMS is just outside the top-10. He is winless this season, but could break that slump on Saturday. Bodog has him 5/1 to win. We'd take that.

*For those heading to the track: Pertinent tailgating information is here. If you are interested in tailgating/camping/having an orgy in the BMS infield, chances are, you've been at the track since last Tuesday, so you don't need the details spelled out here. For the indoctrinated, here is the first hand account of a Bristol campground during race weekend. It is horrifying, yet comforting to know people still engage in such activity.

The Ridebuyer cocktail of the race is anything that involves Tennessee whiskey. Jack and water will work just fine.

Points:

1 Kyle Busch

2 Carl Edwards

3 Jimmie Johnson

4 Dale Earnhardt Jr.

5 Jeff Burton

6 Tony Stewart

7 Greg Biffle

8 Kevin Harvick

9 Jeff Gordon

10 Matt Kenseth

11 Kasey Kahne

12 Denny Hamlin

13 Clint Bowyer

14 David Ragan

15 Brian Vickers

Next race: Pepsi 500 (Auto Club Speedway). The middle race of three consecutive night races, leading into the Chase. Sweet.

Businessman special

Holding a major racing event on a weeknight is the equivalent of a weekday-day baseball game. You know work and other shit should take precedence over the sporting event of your choice, but the allure of blowing that shit off and drinking is far too great. This is why the Phillies can sellout a Thursday at 1 game and people flock to Bristol on a Wednesday night to watch trucks go in circles. It's a great thing.

For the responsible (gay?) people who missed last night's Craftsman Truck Series event from Bristol, all you need to know is Kyle Busch won. He has the record for most single-season victories in NASCAR’s top three divisions with 17. Here's the final restart and subsequent revelry:



Results: O'Reilly 200 at Bristol

That is the sound of rolling heads

The penalties have come down in the whole Joe Gibbs Racing dyno cheating debacle, and they are rather harsh. Like, really harsh.

Here's an outline:

-Joey Logano of the No. 18 and Tony Stewart of the No. 20 – have been penalized with the loss of 150 championship driver points and placed on NASCAR probation until Dec. 31, 2008.

-Joe Gibbs, owner of both of the cars, has likewise been penalized 150 championship owner points for each of those entries.

-From the No. 18 team, car chief Dorian Thorsen; engine tuner Michael Johnson; and crew member Toby Bigelow have been placed on indefinite suspension from NASCAR.

-From the No. 20 team, car chief Richard Bray and engine tuner Dan Bajek have been indefinitely suspended from NASCAR.

And the pièce de résistance of suckhood:

-Both crew chiefs – Jason Ratcliff of the No. 18 and Dave Rogers of the No. 20 – have been fined $50,000 and indefinitely suspended from NASCAR.

So, if you have any crew chief experence, now may be the time to shoot JGR a resume and cover letter.

When old guy's talk

Dave Despain and Robin Miller talk about the 'days of ye ole racing' in this interweb only video. It strangely reminds us of Grandpa Simpson's "onion on belt" story. Come on, you know what episode we talkin' 'bout.

Weekend recap

What you missed while getting shafted on the uneven bars.

-It was a "Hot" Carl weekend in Michigan, as Carl Edwards was victorious in both the Nationwide and Sprint Cup events at MIS. Edwards was able to hold off a charging Kyle Busch and David Ragan on a host of waning-lap restarts during Sunday's Cup race. Four of the top-five finishers were Roush drivers. Busch's runner up clinches the #1 seed in the Chase. Three races until Chase.

Edwards wins at Michigan for fifth victory of season

Edwards gets first N'wide win at MIS, 19th for Roush

-The notable news from Saturday's Nationwide event was a post-race tech inspection blunder by Joe Gibbs Racing. When JGR's two Toyotas were tossed on a chassis dyno, it was discovered both had devises to limit throttle travel, thus skewing the horsepower numbers obtained. Let Robin Pemberton, vice president of competition for NASCAR, explain:

In our post-race inspection, our inspectors discovered some shims that were placed on the gas-pedal stop. They were magnets that were about a quarter-inch thick that prevented the accelerator from going 100 percent wide open.

This comes on the heels of NASCAR limiting horsepower on the Toyotas after dominating the N'Wide Series.

Big fine forthcoming.

JGR faces penalties after Nationwide post inspection

-The NHRA was in Pee-ya for the Toyo Tires NHRA Nationals in Reading. Final round results are as follows:

TF
(W) Tony Schumacher (U.S. Army Dragster) 0.031 3.845 313.88
(L) Larry Dixon (U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Drag 0.051 3.891 302.35

FC
(W) Jack Beckman (Valvoline/MTS Charger) 0.067 4.183 291.57
(L) Frank Hawley (Rite Aid Pharmacies Charger) 0.096 6.967 95.08

PSC
(W) Jeg Coughlin (Jegs.com Cobalt) 0.038 6.650 206.39
(L) Dave Connolly (Charter Comm. Cobalt) -0.005(R) 12.142 71.55

PSB
(W) Matt Smith (NitroFish/Torco Buell) 0.045 6.957 188.81
(L) Angelle Sampey (Rush Racing Products Buell) 0.036 7.061 186.28

Tony Schumacher scored a class-record-tying fifth straight victory in Top Fuel and is unbeaten in 1,000-foot distance races. That would be 20 straight rounds, for those scoring at home. Two weeks until U.S. Nationals, where field will be set for "Countdown."

Schumacher, Smith keep on rolling; Beckman, Coughlin score seconds

3M Performance 400 presented by Bondo preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: 3M Performance 400 presented by Bondo

TV: ESPN 1:00pm EST (Sunday)

Location: Michigan International Speedway (Brooklyn, MI)

Distance: 400 miles/200 laps

Past winners: C. Edwards (6/07); Ku. Busch (8/07); D. Earnhardt Jr. (6/08).

*The historical significance of Bondo and Jason Whitlock is not the pud we wanted him to be *

The presenting sponsor of this weekend's event is Bondo. Anyone who has ever attempted car body repair knows all about Bondo. For those less mechanically inclined here is a brief tutorial: Apply product on clean surface. Sand. Repeat. It's that fucking simple. Have a gaping rust hole in your door? No problem, Bondo the shit out of it. Want to fill in your sunroof? Bondo can help. Entire front clip gone? Bondo a new one. Goddamn, you can do anything with it. One time in high school we Bondo'ed ourselves an anatomically correct young lady and banged it. We were a lot cooler in those days. Digression.

We're not sure how much Bondo body filler gets used in the garages at a NASCAR event, but hike through the parking lot and you'll find entire cars made from the stuff. Having this product in the 3M family sponsor a race is just so apropos.

We really wanted to use this space to shit upon FOXSports.com columnist Jason Whitlock for his (latest) piece about the Mo Grant NASCAR exposed penis debacle. (Here's our take on the mess.) You see, we normally have a problem when stick-and-ball blowhards attempt to make glaring generalization about a sport which they know little about. We call this Skip Bayless syndrome. When writers opine just for the sake of opining, nothing interesting or insightful can possibly be said. That's why we were all geared up to toss some hate at Whitlock. Near as we can tell, the guy has only scribed three stories about motor racing for FOXSports.com. Three. Two were about Mo Grant and exposed cocks and the other was about Danica Patrick. That shows a real breadth of knowledge on a subject (sarcasm). Pick the two issues most likely to be debated on ESPN's First and Ten and write a column. Simple as that.

The problem is, after reading Whitlock's piece, we agreed with what the big guy said. The crux of his argument is that prior indiscretions by Mo Grant (in this case, a DUI and having a restraining order against her from a former boyfriend) have no bearing on her case against NASCAR. Lots of people get popped for DUIs and everyone has ugly breakups. NASCAR tried to make this look like a slam dunk against the character of Grant. It's not. As Whitlock said:

NASCAR's team of investigators has more work to do. The group needs to come up with more dirt than Mauricia Grant had a messy breakup with an ex-boyfriend and was pinched for driving under the influence and with a suspended license... Rather than enthusiastically hunting down dirt from Grant's past, NASCAR should be aggressively brokering a settlement and working to lift its work environment to caveman status.

Amen, J-Dub. Write a few more motor racing columns and we'll start to read your other stuff.

Maybe.


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About this race

*What to know:

Wacky fuel mileage deals: Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the season's first race at MIS. He did not have the fastest car, the best handling car, and did not drive with any more skill or daring than anyone else on the track. His crew formulated a strategy that put him into a position to win. Gambling on fuel is certainly a double-edged sword that will bite you in the ass like Marv Albert with hooker. Just as the Earnhardt crew won the MIS race on fuel strategy, they lost at Watkins Glen while off sequence. Michigan has a history of fuel mileage races. The cliche is, 'anyone can win.' That may be true, it just depends on when the yellows fall.

Chevy still sucks: During our preview of the MIS race back in June, we spoke of the Chevrolet struggles in the backyard of Detroit. Of course, a Chevy-powered car promptly won the event, making our statistics seem silly. Alas, pay no mind to the outlier. In the past 14 Cup events at MIS, Chevy has tallied exactly one victory. Fords will be strong.

Roush still the balls: Six of last 13 MIS Cup races at MIS have been won be a remember of Roush-Fenway Racing. There is something about the two-mile track in the Irish Hills of Michigan that plays to the team's strengths. We don't know what that is...

Chase me away: There are only four races left until the field for the Chase is set. After MIS, we are left with Bristol, Fontana and Richmond before the contenders for the championship are solidified. Keep an eye on drivers hovering around that final 12th transfer spot. (Martin Truex Jr., Ryan Newman, David Ragan, Clint Bowyer, Matt Kenseth, Kevin Harvick and Greg Biffle are currently 16th-10th in points.)

*Who to watch:

Matt Kenseth: Two career wins at MIS, plus an average finishing spot of 9.3 in 18 Cup starts. Kenseth has the above mentioned Roush-Fenway advantage, and is coming off back-to-back top-15 finishes. The most impressive stat? In his 18 Cup starts at MIS, only one DNF.

Carl Edwards: "Hot" Carl sits second in points and has three consecutive top-10s coming into Sunday's race. His record at MIS is nearly as impressive as that of Kenseth. (One win, four top-fives and an average finish of 7.2 in eight starts.) He also has zero DNFs at MIS. Impressive.

Kyle Busch: The points leader does not have the most sterling of records at MIS, but has been a stud everywhere else. He won last weekend and has been nearly untouchable this year. Being the points leader has some advantages, one of which is the benefit of the doubt. We give Busch said benefit.

*For those heading to the track:

Pertinent tailgating information is here. We recommend not going into Detroit while in Michigan. In fact, just go the track, enjoy the race and get the hell out of the state as soon as possible. Remember, the smell of hot dog water is normal until you get outside of the state. God Michigan is a dismal place.

The Ridebuyer cocktail of the race is the Singapore Sling.
(From cocktail.com)

2 oz gin
1/2 oz wild-cherry brandy
1/2 lemon juice
1 tsp powdered sugar
fill carbonated water
2 cubes ice

We've never had one, maybe they're good. Maybe not. If not, just buy a case of Coors and slam. We know that's good.

*Points:
1 KYLE BUSCH
2 CARL EDWARDS
3 JIMMIE JOHNSON
4 DALE EARNHARDT, JR
5 JEFF BURTON
6 JEFF GORDON
7 TONY STEWART
8 KASEY KAHNE
9 DENNY HAMLIN
10 GREG BIFFLE
11 KEVIN HARVICK
12 MATT KENSETH

Next race: Sharpie 500 (Bristol Motor Speedway). God bless thy Bristol. Tailgaters are gathering as we speak.

The Wesley Snipes of racing fuel

The president and chief executive of Torco Racing Fuels seems to have some problems with the federal government. By federal government, we mean the IRS, who raided the home of Evan Knoll this morning. Earlier this year, Knoll announced his company would halt all drag racing sponsorship programs, an amount speculated to be in the millions of dollars. The AP says Knoll and his businesses have been hit with three federal lawsuits since April 2007 that allege contract breaches and seek millions.

Damn gas prices.

IRS agents raid offices of one of drag racing's biggest names