Thursday, June 26, 2008

LENOX Industrial Tools 301 preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: LENOX Industrial Tools 301
TV: TNT 12:30pm EST (Sunday)
Location: New Hampshire Motor Speedway (Loudon, NH) Distance: 301 Laps/301 Miles
2007 winners: D. Hamlin (summer race); C. Bowyer (fall race)

*Lobsters, the Sox and arrogant New Englanders*

The NASCAR schedule does not venture into the northeast save the two Loudon events. There is a good reason for this. New England sucks taint. The people who reside in New England all should be atomic donkey punched, then told that Dropkick Murphy's are a bunch of fags. Goddamn northeast. It's too damn cold, the entire region thinks they are entitled to cheer for Boston sports teams, Bill Simmons' articles are too fucking long, and the people sound ridiculous . The accent of your common northeastern sounds like a terrifying merger of Sean Patrick Flanery, Will Hunting and a guy with Down Syndrome. Everybody north of New York sounds like this tool:

It doesn't take Humpy Wheeler to see why the folks down Daytona-way would want to steer clear of the northeast at all costs. But, alas the infinite wisdom of NASCAR shines through, and the northeast has their own race. Clearly this is just meant to prevent hooliganism in the streets of Bean Town. (The four Boston stock car fans would unite and mobilize and terrorize the city. You know, in addition to the everyday band of Micks who traverse the back alleys of Southy.)

The epicenter of Boston sports-hood is located at 4 Yawkey Way. That's where you will find the most absurd, nonsensical, fans in all of sports. Fucking Fenway Park and the fucking Red Sox. Ever since that team started winning (and that damn Jimmy Fallon-Drew Barrymore film came out) the "Nation" has reached stratospheric levels of gayness that is only surpassed by general ignorance towards baseball. These people are more interested in milling about the ballpark snack stands and talking to other "Nation"-members about god knows what, than actually watching baseball. Sure, the "Nation" travels well, but they don't watch the games or sit in their seats. They stand by hot dog carts and talk about how "wicked" Kevin Youkilis is, instead of actually watching the man bat. It's weird.

So, this is the kind of fan who will be filling the stands (or lingering by the vendors) at New Hampshire Motor Speedway on Sunday. That should be a kick for those making the trip north from the normal states in the union. By the way, it looks like tickets are still available. Go figure.

*What to know:

Could be boring: This race (more so than every other NASCAR race) has the potential to be incredibly boring. The track is one-mile in length and has no real banking to speak off. It is like the Milwaukee Mile but without the beer that makes a boring event seem riveting. The track is not incredibly aero-sensitive and feels like a short track in that regard. But, the reason short tracks are interesting is because they are short and conducive to close racing. Loudon has enough space to take this out of the equation, opening the door for a 301-mile snooze fest.

The extra mile thing is lame: The sponsor for this weekend's event is a Lenox Industrial Tools. (A leading manufacturer of premium power tool accessories, torches, solder and band saw blades, according to their website.) This company is commented to"going the extra mile," which is apparently not just corporate jargon. For this race, an extra mile is being tacked on to the end of the normal 300-mile distance. Thus the Lenox Industrial Tools 301 is born. That is not to be confused with the annual Arrons 499 at Talladega or less-annual Save-a-Lot 47 contested at Bummblefuck Speedway in Schenectady.

*For the Gamblers

Kyle Busch is 6-1 to win.
We like the field at 35-1.

2008 Official Driver Standings

Next race: Coke Zero 400 Powered By Coca-Cola (Daytona, FL). Thus starts the part of the season where the schedule starts repeating itself. Great.

No comments: