Monday, June 30, 2008

We knew Jamie McMurray was hot, but this?

This is a little old, and frankly we don't know how it slipped though our editorial eyes for this long. Apparently a group of NASCAR-fans (who happen to be cross dressers) have started a little site called gaytona.com. ESPN The Magazine's Ryan McGee brought the story of this website and its founders' (the drag queen alter egos of Betty Jack DeVine and Bootsy Ramsbottom, not a joke) to the public. The most important feature of the site is the driver's power-ranking section, where the only requirements are being "bad sexy and wicked fast." Outstanding. Congratulations to McMurray for being atop the rankings.

Weekend recap

This is for those of you who, like us, spent the entirety of the weekend drinking beer and attempting to fight one of these guys.

- The IRL IndyCar Series took to the short track known as Richmond International Raceway, and everyone wrecked. Literally. Only eight cars finished on the lead lap and a mere dozen finished, period. Tony Kannan was able to prevail in the race that felt more like a figure-eight event than an Indy Car race. Jaime Camara was able to put in a good run, leading about 40-laps before finding the wall.


- The NHRA was in Norwalk, Ohio for the second annual Summit Racing Equipment NHRA Nationals. (This marks the second anniversary of the NHRA's exodus from National Trail Raceway, tear.) Two rounds of qualifying were washed out. Pro winners were Doug Herbert (TF); Tony Pedregon (FC); Greg Anderson (PSC) and Hector Arana (PSB). For Arana, this was his first win in 149 career starts.


- It rained in the northeast, and when said rain happened, Kurt Busch happened to be leading the NASCAR race in NH. We saw exactly zero laps of this race, and were so un-enthused for the prospects of the event, we were not able to finish our world-famous race preview. Oh well. Big props to Patrick Carpentier for earning his first pole in NASCAR. He finished 31st.


-Misc. notes:

Bernie Ecclestone reportedly warned Max Mosley that a contingent of folks was looking to discredit him. This warning came a full two months before the Mosley Nazi-Sex tape surfaced. Does that mean that Bernie was not the cameraman as we reported?


Andretti Green Racing shook up their ALMS program by firing Bryan Herta and Christian Fittipaldi. According to speedtv.com's Marshall Pruett (again, no relation), Fittipaldi was just slow and Herta was a passenger on his sinking ship. It's a shame as Herta is one of the best development drivers and racers around. Pruett says he will no problem getting another sports car ride. We hope this is true.


The Cooper Tires Presents The Atlantic Championship (exhale) stumbled into French-Canada. Read about it. It was probably entertaining.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

LENOX Industrial Tools 301 preview


Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: LENOX Industrial Tools 301
TV: TNT 12:30pm EST (Sunday)
Location: New Hampshire Motor Speedway (Loudon, NH) Distance: 301 Laps/301 Miles
2007 winners: D. Hamlin (summer race); C. Bowyer (fall race)

*Lobsters, the Sox and arrogant New Englanders*


The NASCAR schedule does not venture into the northeast save the two Loudon events. There is a good reason for this. New England sucks taint. The people who reside in New England all should be atomic donkey punched, then told that Dropkick Murphy's are a bunch of fags. Goddamn northeast. It's too damn cold, the entire region thinks they are entitled to cheer for Boston sports teams, Bill Simmons' articles are too fucking long, and the people sound ridiculous . The accent of your common northeastern sounds like a terrifying merger of Sean Patrick Flanery, Will Hunting and a guy with Down Syndrome. Everybody north of New York sounds like this tool:










It doesn't take Humpy Wheeler to see why the folks down Daytona-way would want to steer clear of the northeast at all costs. But, alas the infinite wisdom of NASCAR shines through, and the northeast has their own race. Clearly this is just meant to prevent hooliganism in the streets of Bean Town. (The four Boston stock car fans would unite and mobilize and terrorize the city. You know, in addition to the everyday band of Micks who traverse the back alleys of Southy.)



The epicenter of Boston sports-hood is located at 4 Yawkey Way. That's where you will find the most absurd, nonsensical, fans in all of sports. Fucking Fenway Park and the fucking Red Sox. Ever since that team started winning (and that damn Jimmy Fallon-Drew Barrymore film came out) the "Nation" has reached stratospheric levels of gayness that is only surpassed by general ignorance towards baseball. These people are more interested in milling about the ballpark snack stands and talking to other "Nation"-members about god knows what, than actually watching baseball. Sure, the "Nation" travels well, but they don't watch the games or sit in their seats. They stand by hot dog carts and talk about how "wicked" Kevin Youkilis is, instead of actually watching the man bat. It's weird.

So, this is the kind of fan who will be filling the stands (or lingering by the vendors) at New Hampshire Motor Speedway on Sunday. That should be a kick for those making the trip north from the normal states in the union. By the way, it looks like tickets are still available. Go figure.

*What to know:

Could be boring: This race (more so than every other NASCAR race) has the potential to be incredibly boring. The track is one-mile in length and has no real banking to speak off. It is like the Milwaukee Mile but without the beer that makes a boring event seem riveting. The track is not incredibly aero-sensitive and feels like a short track in that regard. But, the reason short tracks are interesting is because they are short and conducive to close racing. Loudon has enough space to take this out of the equation, opening the door for a 301-mile snooze fest.

The extra mile thing is lame: The sponsor for this weekend's event is a Lenox Industrial Tools. (A leading manufacturer of premium power tool accessories, torches, solder and band saw blades, according to their website.) This company is commented to"going the extra mile," which is apparently not just corporate jargon. For this race, an extra mile is being tacked on to the end of the normal 300-mile distance. Thus the Lenox Industrial Tools 301 is born. That is not to be confused with the annual Arrons 499 at Talladega or less-annual Save-a-Lot 47 contested at Bummblefuck Speedway in Schenectady.

*For the Gamblers

Kyle Busch is 6-1 to win.
We like the field at 35-1.

*
2008 Official Driver Standings


Next race: Coke Zero 400 Powered By Coca-Cola (Daytona, FL). Thus starts the part of the season where the schedule starts repeating itself. Great.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

One day, two dudes, two mid-season grade cards

If John Oreovicz and Robin Miller worked in an office together, they would call each other in the evening and coordinate what to wear the next day. Miller would want to wear that god-awful "Speedtv" inscribed sweatshirt.





While Oreovicz would want to live up to his profile shot on espn.com by dressing like a guy who lures children into his Buick with Dippin' Dots.


The two open-wheel reporting heavyweights would ultimately decide to wear Danica tee-shirts under their polo tops and vintage Roberto Guerrero mesh hats. Yeah, it's pretty lame.



It's almost as lame as publishing the same article on the same day. That's exactly what happened yesterday as both released their not-so-highly anticipated mid-season"grade cards." Here's a handy chart to outline what these blokes think about the season of these IndyCar teams:


Team
Oreovicz
Miller
Penske
B+
C
Ganassi
A
A
Andretti GreenB-
D
KV
B-
C
Rahal LettermanB-
B
Panther
C+
B
Vision
C+
B-
NHL
C
B
HVM
C
C
Foyt
C-
C
Dreyer and ReinboldC-
C
Conquest
C-
C
Roth
C-
F
Pacific CoastD
I
Dale Coynen/a
C-



Make note that "I" indicates incomplete and "n/a" means that Oreovicz forgot to give this team a review and grade. We know Coyne's team hasn't set the world ablaze, but come on Oreovicz, give 'em a grade.

Next week both Miller and Oreovicz will be releasing feature articles on a predetermined subject. We're thinking plastics.

With Dixon and Wheldon hitting the books, Target/Chip Ganassi gets an 'A'

MILLER: IndyCar’s Mid-Season Grades

Monday, June 23, 2008

Death, destruction and the allure of racing cars

To follow motor racing for any length of time means you have seen someone, at some point, lose their life in competition. We've been witness to a host of fatalities over the years that serve as a reminder to the risks associated with an endeavor such as motor racing.

Here's the "off the top of our head" list of drivers who have lost their lives since we've been cognizant of the great sport of motor racing:

Dale Earnhardt
Ayrton Senna
Greg Moore
Paul Dana

Sadly another name can be added: Scott Kalitta.

This is just an abbreviated list and is only meant to show what folks should already know: Motor racing is different than most other sports. We watched many of these guys die on television. They died in front of an audience. They died in the name of competition and entertainment. People die racing cars. People don't die playing baseball or basketball. That's just the nature of the beast.

Some claim the inherent dangers of motor racing are the allure of the sport. Danger draws people to compete and danger draws spectators.

This probably has some truth to it. That is, until someone actually dies while competing. That sucks the novelty right out of danger and destruction. The last time we checked, it's tough to impress high school girls with your drivers suit and helmet when you're dead. It's equally tough to convey to an outsider how great the sport is, when you've just seen a participant perish on the playing field. It makes you sick. It makes racing not fun.

Motor racing (as with any sport) is a distraction for fans. It is meant to be fun. People watch races on television and attend events because motor sports are entertaining. If your job sucks, your wife is fat, your kid is a fuck-up and your house is a piece of shit, you can always watch a motor race on TV, down a six-pack on a Sunday afternoon and be more content with your self-being than you were three hours previous.

That all can be tossed out the window when someone is killed at a racetrack.

Last weekend in Englishtown, New Jersey, Kalitta lost his life behind the wheel of a Funny Car.

As with most deaths (excluding the few and far between Field of Dreams-esque reincarnations), there will be no bringing Kalitta back. Which, from what we understand, is quite a shame. From the outpouring of remembrance-themed writings, video tributes and firsthand recollections of his life, Scott Kalitta sounded like a real racers-racer. We did not know him, nor have any direct connection to people who did. In person, we maybe saw Kalitta race three times. Doesn't matter. When the inherent fun of something is taken away, no matter how distant the victim (in this case) seems, it spoils that activity and makes people rethink why they like something.

There is an old sports saying that goes something like:

A bad day at the ballpark, beats a good day almost anywhere else.

(Ed- We're sure to be fucking this up. Apologies to the old men who sit in parks across the nation spewing these meaningless sayings to anyone unlucky enough to be within earshot).

This is completely not applicable to motor racing. A "bad day" at the racetrack is worse than a bad day anywhere else. A bad ballpark day for a player is 0-4 at the dish and a few errors. A bad ballpark day for a fan is a spilling a beer and getting the trots from an $11 cheesesteak.

A bad day at the race track is what happened last Saturday in New Jersey.

Many clichés get tossed about when drivers are killed. "They died doing what they loved" is our favorite because it -like all good clichés- is completely true. Kalitta was somewhat fortunate in that sense. But that probably holds little solace for his friends and family at this point. Not to mention the fans who poured into Englishtown for a weekend fun and excitement, who left feeling sick and punched in the balls.

When reduced to its core, motor racing is about having fun. Sure, at its highest levels, racing is big fucking business. Millions of dollars are thrown around, sponsors need to be pleased, payroll needs to be made, but even at the pinnacle of the sport, owners, crew guys and drivers are there because it's a bloody hoot. Guys like Roger Penske, Don Prudhomme and Richard Childress got into the sport because they had a passion for racing. You wouldn't have that sort of passion without it being a little fun.

So, when the fun stops, and a huge dose of reality sets in, it takes people back. You reevaluate why you enjoy motor racing and what you gain from the sport. You think about other sports not dealing with this sort of thing.

You always return to motor racing. It's like malt liquor. It is just too good not to have in your life. You conclude you love motor racing because it's fucking sweet and you enjoy the hillbilly stigma attached to telling people you follow the sport. And there is no other place you would want to spend a weekend than at a motoring circuit. Period.

It's this passion that makes racing-types different. We are able to mourn the loss of a racers-racer, make safety changes in hopes that Kalitta will be the last to lose his life, but damn well know he wont be.

Danger, part of the allure? Maybe, but if that's the only reason you follow the sport, you are not truly a fan. You don't have a clue. You are like those kids in high school who dress in black and end up shooting-up chemistry class. You suck.

Anyway, before we start to ramble further-

Cheers to you, Scott Kalitta. Enjoy the great smoky burnout in the sky.



*all photos from nhra.com

Weekend recap

-By now everybody knows that Scott Kalitta was killed on Saturday in Englishtown while attempting to qualify for the Summer Nationals. Any host of cliches could be used to sum up an event like this, but that serves no purpose. Just known that it sucks hard on many different levels. RIP, bud.

Pro winners:

TF: Tony Schumacher
FC: Tim Wilkerson
PS: Greg Anderson
PSB: Chip Ellis

Somber champs Schumacher, Wilk, Anderson, Ellis crowned in E-Town

- The Sprint Cup Series did its bi-annual road course thing, as Kyle Busch bested the best of the road race "aces" to take his first twisty track victory. David Gilliland impressed the hell out of many people by running an honest second, Jeff Gordon rounded out the top-three. Marcos Ambrose had a bloody good run going with the Wood Brothers' entry only to have contact and an subsequent mechanical cock-up to ruin an otherwise sterling Cup debut.

Busch breaks slump, earns first road-course win in Sprint Cup

- The Nationwide fellows took to the Milwaukee Mile where "Hot" Carl Edwards (complete with new crew chief) was victorious. It had been 36 races since his last N'wide win, despite winning the championship last year. The second coming of Christ in a stockcar finished p2.

Change sparks Edwards to victory at Milwaukee Mile

- The IndyCar Series was in water-logged Iowa for the Iowa Corn Indy 250. Dan Wheldon (the birthday boy!) won. Big 'hataboy to rookie-Hideki Mutoh for a career best second. A bigger 'hataboy to Marco Andretti for not wrecking anyone. A.J. Foyt IV had a solid p5 effort.

INDYCAR: Birthday Boy Wheldon Wins at Iowa

- It was a Ferrari one-two at the French GP (Massa, Raikkonen). Jarno Trulli finished third. Well done, Toyota. Massa leads the title race by two points over Robert Kubica. The Speedtv broadcast of this race was tape-delayed on Fox Sunday afternoon. David Hobbs+network TV= outstanding.

Ferrari's Massa wins French GP

- The Grand-Am Series had a romp through the Ohio countryside at Mid Ohio. Defending DP-champs Jon Fogarty and Alex Gurney got their first wins of the year for Bob Stallings' team. We didn't watch the race, but understand it was raining. Farnbacher Loles Racing took GT honors (drivers Leh Keen and Eric Lux). Read about it yourself.

Gurney, Fogarty Shine in Mid-Ohio Rain for First Victory of 2008

Farnbacher Loles Racing - Mid-Ohio Win!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Toyota/Save Mart 350 preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: The Toyota/Save Mart 350
TV: TNT 3:30pm EST (Sunday)
Location: Infineon Raceway (Sonoma, CA)
Distance: 350 k/110 laps
2007 winner: J. Montoya

*Right turns, wine country and the mentality of a San Franciscan*

The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series has a 36-race schedule. Of those events, only two are contested on non-oval tracks (this race and the Watkins Glen event in August). The series has an aversion to road racing as, - and, this is for you math types- only 5% of the schedule consists of tracks where left and right turns are needed. The rest of the schedule is the typical mix of short and intermediate ovals with the infrequent super speedway added to the fray. Neither road race event finds itself in the "Chase for the Cup." Road course's inclusion in the schedule is really nothing more than a hokey afterthought. The reason? 3000+ pound stock cars, on narrow tires, utilizing circa-1972 suspension technology, motoring around road courses is only occasionally fun (like twice a season, occasionally). Even Dale Earnhardt Jr. hates road races and everybody loves that guy, so he must be right. Right? Road racing is a different beast than oval racing. Road racing takes a different skill set. The be quick on a road course, you must be agile and show some finesse. Well, a stock car is about as agile as Pacman (excuse me, Adam) Jones at Scores. It would be easier to push a wheelbarrow full of overweight housewives around an autocross course than drive a stock car at Infineon or The Glen.

While road racing is certainly not the forte of either NASCAR cars or most drivers, the on-track product is damn entertaining. It's like watching an NFL-team play baseball. It is not pretty, nor textbook in any sense of the term, but you can't help becoming enthralled. Watching professionals struggle at, well, their professions, is high entertainment.

Infineon (formally known as Sears Point) is located in Sonoma, which is the epicenter of the American-wine world. (The irony of perhaps the biggest beer-swilling, unrefined sport in the world invading wine and cheese country is noted. Here.) As counter intuitive as it seems, a few big names on the NASCAR scene are involved in the wine world. Jeff Gordon has his own wine label. Gordon Wine options include a Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon, whatever the hell that means. Richard Childress has a full blown wine empire with his own winery, extensive bottle options, and impressive collection of jams and jellies ($8.95 for the options to the left). Though more known for his exploits in the Indy Car and Formula 1 worlds, 1967 Daytona 500 winner Mario Andretti has quite the wine conglomerate himself. Like any self-respecting (we mean stereotypical) Italian-American, Mario has a full list of wine-pasta pairings for visitors to his Napa vineyards. We recommend the the Estate Reserve Chardonnay with a full bowl of macaroni noodle-o's. Bada. Bing.

A loafer-lightening hike south from Infineon Raceway will take you to the stronghold of flamboyance and shitty sports teams known as San Francisco. Race fans choosing to stay in San Fran. could be in for a rude, alternative awakening should they venture too far from the safety of their Residence Inn. Three wrong turns will place you in the heart of The Castro, or the biggest culture shock for any NASCAR fan since the Rock Hudson rumors were confirmed. When not at the track, we advise to stay locked in your hotel rooms, or be prepared to see an incredibly clean neighborhood where everyone treats you with respect and kindness. The horror.



View Larger Map


*What to know:

Track position: On a road course you can make an unscheduled pit stop under green and not drop a lap. The only thing you've done is blow it on track position which is damn near impossible to make up without a caution flag to bring you back to the end of the pack. Without a yellow, a driver could wind up spending his day circulating Infineon all by his lonesome, unable to catch the pack, but the pack can't catch him either to lap him. Track position is king, don't expect anyone to give it up for four tires late in the race. You just can't make the time lost up.

Qualify to win: You can't win this race without starting near the front. The crack team at Jayski told us that the winner of this event has started from inside the top-10 78% of the time. That would equate to 15 of 19 Infineon races. Sure, one year ago Juan Montoya won this event from the 32rd starting position, but that was a fuel mileage thing. He should have run out of gas with about three laps to go, but didn't. It was weird. That is called an outlier. This year's winner will come from inside the top-10 qualifiers.

Roadies: Whenever NASCAR does the road course thing, a host of "road racing aces" are employed to show their stuff. Often times, a team will make a one-off appearance at these events with the hopes their hot shoe can pull off a miracle and beat the likes of Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart. This never happens. So don't expect Brian Simo to win on Sunday. The other side of deal is when a full time team sits their normal driver for the weekend and brings in an "ace" to fill his spot. These teams can win. They have the experience of racing every weekend with the Car of Tomorrow and their crew should be polished in the pits. Add a fuckin' quick driver to that equation and good things can happen. Example (though the Wood Brother's race almost every weekend in Cup, you get the point): Marcos Ambros takes over the Wood Brothers Racing #21 this weekend. Good team + good driver= good results.

*Who to watch:

Jeff Gordon: Five wins in 15 starts at Infineon. Again, for the math types, he wins 1/3 of the races he starts in Sonoma. Damn. His last win there came in 2006, and last year he went from starting 41st to finish seventh. Gordon has always been a strong road racer with a career average finish of 11th on the twisty tracks. He starts fifth this weekend at has 3/1 odds in Vegas to win.

Kasey Kahne: Historically awful at road courses. Like, really bad. He has never had a top-10 on a road course, yet somehow is starting from the pole this weekend. Momentum is something that Kahne has. Two wins this season, with two straight top-three runs to boot. Dodge appears to be fast at Sonoma, with four of the top-six starters all grabbing life by the horns. If Kahne doesn't toss the thing into the sand trap on lap-one, he should be a factor.

Robby Gordon: The full time owner-driver also happens to be a road racing ace. He starts eighth on Sunday, in his sponsor-less Dodge. He won this race in 2003 and has nine top-five finishes in Cup cars on road courses. He will either win the race, or wreck. Either one will be fun to watch.

*Dark Horse:

Marcos Ambrose: This will be Ambrose's first start in the Sprint Cup Series. He is the highest qualified rookie (starts seventh), and is one of the best road racers in the world. The Tasmanian was a legend in the Australian V8 SuperCar Series before he ever thought of NASCAR. Aside from being road race-stud, his car is officially named the Little Debbie Honey Buns Ford. Awesome.

*For those heading to the track:

Pertinent tailgating information is here. Be warned: No alcohol may be brought into the facility. Beer is available for purchase at several locations throughout the raceway. Hopefully you knew this before heading to the track. Holy shit, that's lame. Since you can't byo, maybe you should pass on booze altogether (?!) and hit up the karting facility at Infineon. You can pretend to be Tony Stewart, only without the beard or gut. Or with the beard and gut, you know, depending on body size and lifestyle choices.
Next race: Lenox Industrial Tools 301 (Loudon, NH). It's good the team's transport drivers only have a quick drive from northern California to New Hampshire for next week.