Weekend recap

What you missed while watching The Masters and hoping for an Immelman- Tin Cup style meltdown. (Which never happened, for those not into golf.)

The Sprint Cup and Nationwide guys were both in the desert for night events. Kyle Busch continued his dominance of every support race he enters, with a win Friday night in the- pause for chuckle- Bashas' Supermarkets 200. Results.

Jimmie Johnson finally secured the first win of the year for Rick Hendrick, in the most entertaining Cup race of the season. The final green flag segment was a fuel-strategy pissing match between the top teams. Everybody stopped (under green) between 15 and 10 to go, excluding Johnson, who amassed a huge lead over the field. Kudos to whoever was directing the telecast for Fox Saturday night, as viewers were privy to Johnson's radio chatter with Chad Knaus (sample excerpt: Slow down, Jimmie. Slow down. Slow way down. We're not going to make it. Go three sec. a lap slower. No, we're really not going to make it.... We made it). It appeared Mark Martin had the car to beat throughout the last segment, which begs the question, why not gamble on fuel and stay out? He is not running for points, and should have ran the thing dry. (This is only being said because Martin was our dark horse pick in Ridebuyer's weekly NASCAR-preview, but still. Fuck that.) Results.

The NHRA guys and gals were in Vegas for the first time this season. Ashley Force made it to her second-stright Funny Car final (losing to Tim Wilkerson). She is now the first lady to ever lead the FC points standing. (John Force failed to qualify for eliminations.) Both Cory McClenathan (Top Fuel) and Jason Line (Pro Stock) took their first wins of the season. Results.

Subway Fresh Fit 500 preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: Phoenix. The over/under on Subway Jared commericals... 27. I'll take the over.

TV: Fox 8:00pm EST (Saturday night)

Location:Phoenix International Raceway (Phoenix, AZ)

Distance: 312 miles/312 laps (500 kilometers)

2007 Phoenix winners: J. Gordon (spring race); J. Johnson (fall race).

*What to know:

In honor of this week's race location (the desert), and the startling revelation that NASCAR drivers do heroin before races, Ridebuyer feels compelled to show a somewhat gratuitous Simpsons clip. Enter Homer Simpson and his freaky pepper-induced trip in the desert.

Let us hope that most drivers can stay clean during Saturday night's race. Drugs, darkness, and being surrounded by a barren wasteland is a deadly combination. Imagine Kyle Busch with a head full of drugs, blasting into turn-one nearing 160mph. The ramifications could be catastrophic.

Enough about NASCAR-guys pretending to be Robert Downey Jr. There is a serious motoring event to waged.

Saturday will be first points race of the season held in the evening. The race will start as the sun is still high in the sky, setting as laps progress, ending in full darkness. Successful teams will have to adapt as track conditions change. Qualifying has shown the speed of Dodge, with Ryan Newman taking the pole (the only highlight of his season since Daytona). But, don't expect him (or Dodge, for that matter) to finish where they start. Newman has amassed a staggering record of pole positions yet has the uncanny ability to find his way to the back in those events. Congrats on the 43rd career pole though.

Apart from dealing with lunar cycles, teams faces with very real possibility of being accosted by traveling bands of Mexican bandits while in the desert. These 'conquistadors' have been known to hijack team transporters, pilfer items from memorabilia trailers, kidnap gringos, and otherwise raise hell when NASCAR goes to the desert. Any team that keeps the brown gypsies at bay will stand an even money shot at finding victory lane come nightfall. Teams with proven bandit-fighting abilities are Hendrick Motorsports, DEI and Roush-Fenway Racing. Other outfits have been not so successful. No one can forget the great heist of 2003 when the Wood Brothers' pitbox was hitched-up to a conquistador mule and carted off of pit road. Glen Wood hasn't been seen since.

*Who to watch:

Dale Earnhardt Jr.:

Two wins at PIR (03, 04) and consistent finishes this season. Junior has three top-five finishes this season and sits forth in points. He has been the best running Hendrick car this year and will break through with a win sooner rather than later. His average finish at PIR is a bit misleading (at 19th) as he pulled in a 43rd in this event last season after wrecking to screw the pooch average wise. He starts Saturday's race 13th.

Kevin Harvick:

Harvick's record at PIR mirrors that of Earnhardt Jr. Harvick also sports two wins and three top-fives. He has shown more desert-consistancy than Junior, as Harvick's average finish is about 13th. In the last four races at PIR, Harvick has not finished outside of the top-ten. That's pretty damn impressive. Harvick starts mid-pack but should find his way to the front by mid race. Also, Richard Childress Racing has incredible luck dealing with the conquistadors. Two words: gold bartering.

Carl Edwards:
Winning races cannot be discounted. Carl Edwards wins races. His consistency this season has been hit or miss, but no one will argue with three wins at this juncture in the year. Edwards has a finishing average of 14.7 this season, with four finishes in the top-10 (four top-10 finishes when three of those finishes come from wins = inconstant). Edwards is sitting tenth in the points, with two career top-fives at PIR. He starts third on Saturday night, and is the best hope for Ford in finding victory lane this weekend.

Dark Horse:

Mark Martin:
The old-guy has been quick at PIR this weekend, qualifying forth for DEI. Martin only has one Cup victory at PIR in his centuries of racing (that win came in 1993). But in 22 Cup starts at PIR, Martin has amassed an average finish of 9th. 9th, since 1988... Let that sink in. Martin was running in the top-10 at PIR when people were watching Punky Brewster. That is fucking crazy. Watch for him on Saturday.

*For those heading to the track:

PIR likes to be anal with the whole BYOB thing. They claim that state law prevents people from bringing cerveza into the stands. Nobody believes this. Here is your overtly-lame, blatantly homosexual tailgating info.

Unreserved RV parking is $40 per vehicle. Stop the damn presses and make room for my Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt-style RV. Sweet.

*Series points:

1				Jeff Burton
2				Kevin Harvick
3				Kyle Busch
4				Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5				Tony Stewart
6				Jimmie Johnson
7				Denny Hamlin
8				Greg Biffle
9				Carl Edwards
10				Ryan Newman
11				Clint Bowyer
12				Kasey Kahne

*Next Week, Talladega. High banks and 'big one' friendly. Oh, joy.

Jeff Olson's blog-rage

Following an illustrious list of stick and ball reporters who have condemned the institution of blogging, RACER Magazine's Jeff Olson, does his best impersonation of Rick Reilly, Stephen A. Smith, Jay Mariotti , et al. In Olson's recent article published on speedtv.com, he rips the hacks in the St. Pete media center for being unprofessional following Sunday's race. Clearly such behavior was the work of biased bloggers, who should be 86'ed from all further IndyCar credential opportunities (known as the Mark Cuban plan). Olson fumes:

Apparently this occupation is now open to anyone who can type with his or her knuckles, no education or experience required. No need for a degree or employment, just crown yourself a bloggist, start typing and apply for that credential.

Amazing how that works. If I tried to be a plumber with no experience or training, I’d get stomped by guys with pipe wrenches and exposed butt cracks. But any fool with a computer and a MySpace page can play journalist, and the rules of the business are no longer acknowledged (or even known).

Most blogs (motor racing and otherwise) are shit. This is not deniable. But, the IndyCar Series is not the NBA or MLB. Those leagues have "fans" and mainstream media coverage. As soon as the IndyCar Series gets those two elements (outside of Indy in May) maybe, just maybe, their media-relation folks can be choosy with press passes. Until that happens, credentials should be issued to every man, women and derelict with a MySpace account who shows any interest. Yes, Bums with typewritters need press passes. (Even if only to raid the food line and pen 50 words about the race to post on a YMCA wall.)

As Olson says (in the full article), cheering in the media center is a no-no, but, fuck me, at least people were there. If access was restricted to only traditional print guys, there would be three people reporting on an event. God only knows what Olson, Cavin and Phillips would do in an empty media center. Gross.

Props to Olson though... he seems like an equal opportunity hater of all media center-types, that are not him. Inclusion is important.

Let’s get right to the point. Sportswriters suck. I don’t mean suck as in they have no talent, but suck as in they have no talent and are utter bores. Hell certainly must be a roomful of sportswriters after the free buffet runs dry. They know it all, of course; just ask them. They’ll be happy to tell you, often with the breath of a yak.

If Ridebuyer follows Olson's argument, he hates most people, not just bloggers. We can respect this.

Strange, we went from not really liking Olson, to being confused by Olson, and now enjoying Olson and his rage. Weird.

Fun with Ebay

Ridebuyer searches the online marketplace for motoring-related awesomeness. In this post, an Indy Car for trips to the grocery store (or for those weekend jaunts to Fire Island). Be the gayest guy you know! Not only street LEAGAL, but sports a CHRYSLER CHASSY.

The Kings Island parking lot is one thing...

Remember Aaron Fike? If not, he was the lovable NASCAR Truck Series driver who was arrested while shooting heroin in his car at Kings Island. Until now, the only real noteworthy piece to this story was that he was arrested along with this thing. Jesus.

Needless to say, he had fallen off of the radar since his suspension from NASCAR-sanctioned events. Alas, he has resurfaced in an article appearing in ESPN the Magazine. Pause for dramatic impact. And cue the bombshell. Fike says he shot up on race days. Be forewarned, this will bring many TV commentaries from folks not qualified to report on motor racing, or its drivers. Skip Bayless, this is you.

-Former truck racer Fike admits using heroin on race days (ESPN)

Hough to sing at Indy

Julianne Hough, Dancing with the Stars broad, will sing the national anthem at this year's Indy 500. Hough, who certainly did not have sex with Stars partner Helio Castroneves, will play opening-act for Jim Nabors who returns for prerace ceremonies after a one-year hiatus.

This "sporting star-romantic interest at game" ploy has been done with varying outcomes in the stick and ball world, but this is a first for motorsports. By Hough merely attending the 500, ripple effects would be felt by Castroneves. But she is preforming. Karma is nothing to be trifled with in the sporting world, and this has the makings of a large, well, trifle. Using two classic stick and ball examples, it's clear that Castroneves will not escape the young lass's song unscathed.

Hough's presence will impact Castroneves in one of two ways:



Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson syndrome will set in, causing Castroneves, distraught at the sight of his quasi-lover, to have a pace lap meltdown similar to this:





The mainstream media creamed over Romo's inability to preform under pressure with his GF in game attendance. Castroneves fans should hope this form of retardation does not befall their dancing inclined racing driver. You may even wish to urge Hough to stay home. We recommend sending her a MySpace message, to deliver your words of angst.

The flip side of the coin leads to sweet success and ultimate triumph.



The Josh Beckett-Danielle Peck syndrome will elevate Castroneves to new levels of performance, all but securing his victory in the Great Race. (This is a more obscure example that stems from the 2007 ALCS when the Cleveland Indians brought an ex-flame of Red Sox's pitcher Josh Beckett to sing the national anthem. The unfazed Beckett threw a gem).



You've got two choices son, the easy way or the Hough way. Hope it works for you Helio.

When I was 19, it was a very good year

After much analysis, dissection and, frankly, gushing the reality of Graham Rahal's win Sunday in St. Petersburg is now beginning to set in. The racing clichés have been expelled and discussed ad nauseam, and the self-described experts have all had fair time to chime in regarding the youngster's performance.

Since the dust has settled on the biggest (on-track) IndyCar story of the short season, Ridebuyer feels compelled to take a walk down memory lane. Like the elderly incontinent man who feeds pigeons in the park, we will paint you a picture of days gone by. We are taking a trip back to a simpler time. A time when the McRib captured the imagination of both fat and skinny alike, and where the collective hopes of a nation rested with a humble ex-Governor of Massachusetts named Michael Dukakis. Yes, in honor of young-Rahal's accomplishment, we're going back to the time of our 19th year on earth! Think VH1's "I Love the ___ties" series but with less Hal Sparks.


Here-in no particular order- is the Ridebuyer list of things we were doing when 19 years-old. (Notice winning an IndyCar race is not on the list).


We were:

* Giving homeless people Arby's coupons in exchange for the purchase of Fosters tallboys.

* Lamenting the fact that the latest expansion pack for Microsoft Flight Simulator was a piece of shit and totally not worth $19.95.

* Thinking South Park was hilarious.

* Reading The Catcher in the Rye and completely relating to the plight of Holden Caulfield.

* Smoking Marlboro reds for a week until our jean jacket (complete with Rage Against the Machine patches) started to stink/we ran out of money.

* Thinking about beer.

* Attempting to buy beer.

* Attempting to speak with girls. (Results? Lacking.)

Cheers to you Graham Rahal, you appear to be much cooler and more successful at 19 than any of us were at that age, or could hope to be in the future. Fuck that. Here is gratuitous Homer Simpson video to make us feel better... Just change the lyrics from 17 to 19.