Indy infield and buses v. walls

Deadspin's AJ Daulerio gave a much needed, fresh voice to the coverage of our fair sport. The Editor for the most notable sporting blog on the interweb was strolling the Indy infield on race day and filed this report. Here's an excerpt of his dispatch:

By around lap 46 I was ignoring the cars all together and instead focused on an 45ish-year-old man with a white muscle shirt and an "I Am Indy" hat try to convince a 19-year-old girl to flash for him. "Come on. Just one tit?" Lovely.

Love it. Just outstanding.

On an unrelated/related note Deadspin (and other national outlets) is running the story of the school bus racing accident that took place over the weekend at Columbus Motor Speedway. Now, obviously there is an inherent comedic value to this story. Racing school buses is silly, I get it. I like jokes. But, something like this can literally close a short track. Like, for good. Like, out of business. Forever. And that fucking blows. Once lawyers get involved, things like this get ugly (or uglier). Now, in the interest of full disclosure, Columbus Motor Speedway is my local short track. I like the place. I'll go when sprints or midgets are in town. The USAC National Midget Series started their midwest season at CMS a few weeks back. I was there. It was a good show at a hell of a good price. Tracks like CMS are the backbone of motor racing and, shamefully, becoming few and far between.

Hopefully, my local short track can overcome this bus debacle and continue to provide inexpensive entertainment that churns out droves of new racing fans. Time will tell for CMS. We shall see. In the meantime, everyone should head out and enjoy your local short track ASAP. Buy a ticket, get some food, enjoy giving the track your money.

OK, I'm off the old soapbox. Here's a video of the wreck. Watching that cement fly is pretty nasty. As crazy as it looks, no one was killed.

Indy link dump

It's been called the "laziest post in blogging," and if I'm one thing, it's lazy. Really lazy. So, here you go, what other people are saying about The Indy 500 across the interwebs.

There are at least 10 interesting things that might happen come Sunday's open-wheel 500. So says Fox, anyway.

10 storylines to follow at Indy 500 (FoxSports.com)

The one called Pressdog is on location at Indy and filing trackside dispatches. Apparently he is sharing a Indy hotel room love-bungalow with a dude. Well done, sir.

Live from IMS 5/23/09 Part 1--Bloggers at the Gate. (Pressdog.com)

From Indy 500 champ, to Dancing stud, to Wesley Snipes, and back to IndyCar glory. It's been quite trip for Heilo Castroneves.

Cleared for takeoff (Indystar.com)

Deadspin editor AJ Daulerio will also be on locale at Indy. He'll be in the infield looking at drunks and searching for the ever elusive set of IUPUI sophomore boobs. His update will be posted Tuesday. Oh, AJ, the "Italian guy married to Ashley Judd" is not Italian.

Of Screeching Tires And Lost Control (Deadspin.com)

Enjoy the race. My Speed fantasy picks are Castroneves, Briscoe, Dixon. They will win. All of the them.

Also, fyi, Shane Hollingsworth won the Hoosier Hundred. Cheers buddy.

To wet your thrust for infinite amounts racing-related ballyhoo, stroll on over to the interweb page of the IMS Video Library. A good amount of video content is being added in advance of The Speedway's Centennial Era Gala at the end of February in downtown Indianapolis. We're awaiting our VIP invites, so we can hit the buffet line with Gordon Johncock. Take it away, Roger:

Return of the Partyboy

Al Unser, Jr.'s name seems to be intrinsically linked with booze and domestic violence. You can now add "sex tape blackmail victim" to that list. Take it away local Action News Team:

Unser is mentioned in counts 72 and 73 of the indictment. The DA's office said McMullin told Unser he had video of the racing legend in a "compromising position." McMullin allegedly asked Unser for $750,000, or he would release the tape to the public.

Now, according to this story Little Al is nothing but a victim. He did allegedly pay some cash to this skeeze (McMullin) to keep something under wraps. That could point to a sex tape actually existing. Just food for thought. Food for disgusting thought, but still.

Can we now call this the year of the motor racing sex tape? First Max Mosley, now Little Al. We advise A.J. Foyt to keep the old High-8 under lock and key.

DA: Unser a victim of blackmail scheme (KOB 4)

Unser Pays Pimp to Hide “Compromising” Video (SbB)

Al Unser Victim Of Prostitution Ring Blackmail Plot? Let's Go To The Videotape (Deadspin*)

*We love Deadspin more than anyone, but come on guys, tagging this story 'NASCAR'? You're better than that. Really, you are.

Around the Horn: Jay Mariotti knows not what he speaks

A large step in the process of a sport becoming relevant is media attention. When people care enough to write or otherwise report on an event, it means that someone, somewhere, gives a shit. These media-types are the people tasked with bringing the news of a sport to the masses, through their witty quips and insightful commentaries. All good, right?

The big news from this past weekend's Indy 500 was, of course, Danica Patrick's march down pitlane to confront Ryan Briscoe. The much ballyhooed event has brought the opinions of one commentator from the Chicago Sun-Times (and staple of various unwatchable ESPN- programs), Jay Mariotti. Here's a glimpse:

On an interstate highway, such a compilation of anger would be tantamount to road rage. What did Patrick say the other day about wanting to own a winery? Seems she's already mastered a fine whine. When she switched allegiances to the potent Andretti Green team, wasn't the idea to have a high-performance car every year at Indy? With a new pit boss in Kyle Moyer, wasn't she supposed to avoid strategic mixups and arguments? Apparently not.

One would suppose having such national-level blowhard's commenting on a sport is a positive thing (even if these "experts" have never been close to motor racing track). But, goddamn it, if Stephen A. Smith ever writes a motor racing article, killing yourself with a blunt object will be the only acceptable recourse.

Danica makes history: Goes Springer on rival

Dixon wins, Patrick pissed

Here is all you need to know about today's Indy 500:

Scott Dixon wins, Marco Andretti pretty much wrecked Tony Kanaan (his teammate), Ryan Briscoe tangled with Danica Patrick on pit lane, Patrick wanted to fight Briscoe, Scheckter (as always) was damn impressive until he broke, Vitor Meira finished second and solidified his spot as one the best to ever turn a wheel at The Speedway in the last decade, Ed Carpenter finished fifth. Good for him. Oh, and Eddie Cheever is funny.

*UPDATE*

Here is the video of Patrick and her tiff with Briscoe. Let these foreigners paint the picture:



Indianapolis 500 Results

Dixon wins Indy 500

Robin Miller's hero was the balls

Let us face facts... Most of the stuff you read on these here "internets" is pretty much garbage. Whether the topic is motor racing, stick-and-ball sports, general news, etc., chances are, you just read something that sucked. Even this site is not excluded from the previous sentence (NASCAR previews? Come on).

With that in mind, Ridebuyer wants to roll back the clock and take you to a simpler time. A time when the world was a little less scary and the internet had yet to turn into a cesspool of gratuitous potshots and mean spirited abuse. The following is the latest installment in RB'ers "Shit Worth Reading" serial.

This entry comes from the incredible SI Vault and gives the story of Indy folk-hero Jim Hurtubise:

It had been several years since Hurtubise had entered the race with any kind of chance to win it, lead it or even qualify well for it. For most of that time he had been engaged in a quixotic attempt to qualify an improved version of the outmoded front-engine "roadster" that had dominated the Speedway until the rear-engine revolution of the mid-1960s. With time growing short, there was a fever of activity around Hurtubise's Miller High Life Special, as it slowly moved toward the head of the qualifying line. The crowd buzzed. Would the old Mallard, as Hurtubise called his car in tribute to its ducktail rear end, get a chance to make even a ceremonial tour of the Brickyard? No. Precisely at 6 p.m. the gun sounded, locking in the field for another year. At which time Hurtubise removed the cowling from his Mallard to reveal neither an Offenhauser nor a Ford, but rather five cases of his sponsor's product, already chilled and ready for folks to drink. Which is what most of the Speedway officials soon did.

Full text below:

The Ghost Of Indy's Past

Enjoy.

Indy 500 preview

TV: ABC 12:00pm EST-prerace; 1:00pm-race (Sunday)
Location: Indianapolis Motor Speedway (Indianapolis, IN)
Distance: 500 miles/200 laps
2007 winner: Dario Franchitti

*Notes about history, legacy and the downtrodden*

The Indianapolis 500 was once the premiere event in the motor racing world. Some might argue the event once rivaled the biggest events in the stick-and-ball world. In its heyday, comparisons to the Super Bowl and World Series would not seem as outlandish as they do today. Ron Burgundy would have called The 500 "a big deal." Once upon a time Indy was not something to be trifled with; an event that held the significance and poignancy of the wedding or funeral.

Heroes were born at Indianapolis. A.J. Foyt ran the The Greatest Spectacle In Racing® a record 35 times, winning four times and leading nearly 600 laps. To put this in perspective, A.J.'s first 500 was in 1958. His last was in 1992. If you took his qualifying speed for the 1992 race (222.790) and applied it to this year's event, Super Tex would roll off from the outside of row four. (This would be ahead of drivers like Graham Rahal and Buddy Rice and is a full three mph faster than his grandson was able to muster.)

Foyt is just one of a number of drivers who used The 500 to elevate their careers into the mid-stratosphere level. Rick Mears-like Foyt- found victory lane four times and nearly lead the same number of laps as his Texan-counterpart. If you were to add the total number of laps both men paced the field at Indy you would get 984 (Foyt's 555+Mears' 429). This is a distance roughly equal to that of Phoenix to New York City (or about 2,457 miles). Those two lead the Indy 500 for a longer distance than most people drive in three months.

While Foyt and Mears are two of the most recognizable names associated with The Speedway, many more men where drawn to its mystique with less than historic results. George Snider amassed 22 Indy-starts, beginning in 1965. He completed 1875 race-laps, yet could only manage to lead three laps throughout the entirety of his 500 career. This gives Snider the dubious honor of most 500-starts without a victory.

Of course, many drivers would be honored (and rightly so) to have a 500-career like that of Snider. For 17 months of May, Dick Simon went to the intersection of 16th and Georgetown as a racing driver. Of those starts he only managed to finish the race seven times, never placing higher than sixth. Between 1972-1980, Simon never posted a single finish.

These are just two drivers of countless numbers who continued seeking immortality in a race that by all accounts defeated them. This does not even account for those unlucky enough to have perished while seeking Indy fame.

But, something has changed since the heyday of The 500. This is seen in fan attendance, media coverage, entries, sponsors, almost every facet of the event his felt a change. Certainly, the much debated "split" in open-wheel racing led to much confusion and tarnished the goings-on, but it's not fair to place the blame squarely on this schism. The passion had left before the 1995 revolution.

I'm sure a track historian could provide more insight on the cresting wave phenomenon that hit Indy, but the point is, something palpable has shifted, leaving the event a shell of what was once a crown jewel of Americana. Maybe it's because football is so fucking popular and people are researching their fantasy teams. Maybe its because baseball is in a renaissance or that television is better now than in the past making people harder to entertain. Maybe people can't wrap their heads around watching cars circulate for an afternoon during a long weekend. Maybe it's all of the above.

Sure, The 500 is likely to see a bit of a rebound. This season's storylines seem more interesting than in the recent past (the proliferation of young American driver's like, Rahal, Andretti and Patrick. Castroneves infiltrating the pop-world by winning that ABC program about dancing). Perhaps this could led to a bump of sorts in terms of relevance, but the event will remain second-tier for the foreseeable future. That is a fuckin' shame, because Indy used to be something special.

View Larger Map

*What to know:

Anyone who has never been to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway would be shocked by two things. The first is its size. The place is bloody enormous. A somewhat recent count (yes, some poor-soul counted) of the permanent seats totaled 257,325. Check out this nifty illustration that shows what other big shit could fit into the track's infield. The other thing that would shock non-Indy regulars is the speed and noise generated by a pack of 33 angry racing cars humming at full song. It is a loud, crude and ruthless noise that will appall anyone not previously indoctrinated.

In the infield, one will find some epic parties (though not executed with the fervor or spirit as in the past), but the feeling at Indy is quite different than that of other sporting orgies like that at Churchill Downs or even other motor races. You see, people flood events like the Kentucky Derby for beer and tits, yet never see a horse or even seem to know a race is taking place. This is impossible at The 500. Within seconds of hearing the engines fire, any booze-buzz or boob-viewing induced high will be immediately rescinded. It's like sleeping with most beautiful woman in existence, then having her sprout a dick and punch you in the larynx. Total buzz kill. The noise and smell will sober the drunkest of drunks, and that fellow has no choice but to pay attention to the race that follows and become enthralled by the death defying racing men. Enjoy, pal. You are seeing something special.

Who to watch:

Most of the popular racing pundits (yes, there is such a thing) will tell you The 500 can only be logically won by about four drivers. This would include the two Team Penske drivers (#3 Helio Castroneves, #6 Ryan Briscoe ) and their two counterparts at Target Chip Ganassi Racing (#9 Scott Dixon, #10 Dan Wheldon ). Both sets of drivers are starting at or near the front of the field, are parts of the most successful teams in the series and have the most well-developed equipment (insert joke...here). I'll add a fifth contender in Andretti Green Racing's Tony Kanaan.(He has the experience and good equipment needed to get the illusive Indy-win. Expect him to get off-sequence in pit stops, particularly if rain is possible.) Don't look for other teams/drivers to make a big Indy-splash this year. Sorry Danica and young-Rahal, but you'll have your chance soon enough.

Darkhorse:

Ed Carpenter : The stepson of Indy-Czar Tony George has shown speed this season unlike any in the past. His team (Vision Racing) is on the upswing, despite the firing of team manager Larry Curry (now with Roth Racing). Carpenter has three top-10 finishes this season and will start Sunday's 500 from inside row four. He knows his way around The Speedway and if he can stay on the lead lap should be in-line for a good result.

Misc. race notes:

92nd Indianapolis 500 Starting Line-up

2008 Indianapolis 500 TV/Radio Schedule

Indianapolis 500 FAQ

Tailgating Info

Enjoy the race. Even if you don't give a shit about motor racing, its a sporting classic.

How many "90210"-stars does it take to make the 500?

If you happen to be part of Rubicon Racing, the answer is three. As Max Papis prepares to qualify for the Indianapolis 500 this weekend, he has an ace up his sleeve. By 'ace' we mean three former Beverly Hills, 90210 stars, of course.

Yes, Rubicon's "Advisory Board" (whatever the hell that is) consists of Tiffani Thiessen (more famous for playing Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell, yet 90210-alum nonetheless), Ian Ziering (aka Steve Sanders), and of course team principle Jason Priestley (aka Brandon Walsh).

Other notables on Rubicon's "Advisory Board" are NFL'ers Dallas Clark and Jason Baker, and actors Max Martini, David Cubitt and Bradley Cooper.

With this level of star-power it is impossible to even contemplate Rubicon not making the field. Should a race win befall the Rubicon-entry, it is rumored that instead of the traditional victory lane sip of milk, Papis will indulge on booze and sleeping pills, then have sex with the pool boy. Jack Arute will be shocked.

Indy over-simplified generalizations

Sorry Scott Dixon, but your accomplishment this weekend is nothing to write home about. Sure, the pole for the Indianapolis 500 is kind of novel, but according to the IndyStar's Bob Kravitz, no one really cares.

Well, we thought it was cool, Scott. Here are the top-11 positions as set yesterday:

Indianapolis 500 Pole Day qualifiers:
1) Scott Dixon, Target Ganassi, 226.366
2) Dan Wheldon, Target Ganassi, 226.110
3) Ryan Briscoe, Penske, 226.080
4) Helio Castroneves, Penske, 225.733
5) Danica Patrick, Andretti Green, 225.197
6) Tony Kanaan, Andretti Green, 224.799
7) Marco Andretti, Andretti Green, 224.417
8) Vitor Meira, Panther, 224.346
9) Hideki Mutoh, Andretti Green, 223.887
10) Ed Carpenter, Vision, 223.835
11) Tomas Scheckter, Luczo Dragon, 223.496

The damn rain has returned to the greater-Indianapolis area, scrubbing day two of quals. This means there will be no on-track activities until Wednesday (practice), starting positions 12 through 33 will be set Saturday, with final bumping on Sunday.

Among those teams attempting to make the 500 field next weekend is Rubicon Racing and driver Max Papis. RB'ers favorite actor-racer-team owner Jason Priestley is attached to the squad, and made a triumphant return to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway this weekend. Anyone who wonders if this guy is still famous from that TV show he did in the early 90's.... Well, the answer is clearly 'yes' (if you're unattractive and in your mid-twenties, that is).

How great is it that this "90210 reunion' happened at a Boston Market?

Wet, hot, American wrecking

The week that was at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway can be summed-up quickly. Really quickly. Only two words are needed: rain and wrecks.

The wet stuff killed two days of practice this week. Yes, complete washouts they were.

The break in the weather came Friday afternoon, and lasted long enough for two nasty accidents (then the rain returned). Alex Lloyd hit the wall a ton and Danica Patrick ran over a Coyne crew member on pit lane. The Patrick accident could have been much uglier. Also in the Patrick clip, note Mario Andretti in the foreground, not looking concerned. Oh, Mario.



-Danica Patrick's car hits crew member

Rain day recourse

Work is a terrible thing, especially if your job is not interesting and pays poorly. Finding an alternative to actually working while at work is what keeps more people from walking into their respective offices and shooting anything above three feet in height.

Sports can be the alternative that saves lives.

Spring is a great time for work avoidance. Days are wrought with activities that can be followed while hunched in the seclusion of a cubicle. Baseball day games are the most convenient and popular of these activities for the general sporting fan. A hidden radio or online stream can make the most asinine of work days seem tolerable. Hours melt away; emails go unreturned, phone calls are not made, your bosses loss money because of you, things are great. Sadly, racing people are generally out of luck when it comes to work-dodging weekday events (excluding Friday NASCAR practice, which is horrendous to watch, let alone listen to whist dodging your boss).

May is the exception. May is our time. Each day, IndyCar practice can be enjoyed from the Speedway, sometimes for upwards of six-hours a session. God bless you, streaming audio and video. (Found at indycar.com.) This is the perfect outlet for slacking, unless it rains. Which it did today. Fuck.

God forbid it rains in Indy (ever again). But, as the Boy Scouts teaches the youth of the nation, "be prepared." Here is a list of activities-aside from working, of course-that will get you through the day when rain strikes the Midwest. *Note, these have all been tested in actual work scenarios*

-Take a two-hour shit. Be sure to bring adequate reading material (last time this technique was employed an entire SI was front-to-backed).

- Search MySpace and Facebook for your work's clients. This can be modified depending on the industry which you work. For example, if you work in insurance, get the names of the newest clients and search away. You'll be amazed how creepy the general public is. By the way, if you are over the age of 24, you have no business being on any "social networking" website.

- Look for a new job. I recommend craigslist or monster. Think about how much less you'd work, if you made more money.

-Leave for lunch and never come back.

- Watch full episodes of "Cops" on youtube. Yes, your job is gay, but at least your not getting billy-clubbed.

- Check out the racecar auctions on ebay. This will kill two-hours easily.

-If it has been more than an hour since your last two-hour shit, take another one. Again, reading material is vital.

Hope this helps. And Christ, rain sucks.

Hough to sing at Indy

Julianne Hough, Dancing with the Stars broad, will sing the national anthem at this year's Indy 500. Hough, who certainly did not have sex with Stars partner Helio Castroneves, will play opening-act for Jim Nabors who returns for prerace ceremonies after a one-year hiatus.

This "sporting star-romantic interest at game" ploy has been done with varying outcomes in the stick and ball world, but this is a first for motorsports. By Hough merely attending the 500, ripple effects would be felt by Castroneves. But she is preforming. Karma is nothing to be trifled with in the sporting world, and this has the makings of a large, well, trifle. Using two classic stick and ball examples, it's clear that Castroneves will not escape the young lass's song unscathed.

Hough's presence will impact Castroneves in one of two ways:



Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson syndrome will set in, causing Castroneves, distraught at the sight of his quasi-lover, to have a pace lap meltdown similar to this:





The mainstream media creamed over Romo's inability to preform under pressure with his GF in game attendance. Castroneves fans should hope this form of retardation does not befall their dancing inclined racing driver. You may even wish to urge Hough to stay home. We recommend sending her a MySpace message, to deliver your words of angst.

The flip side of the coin leads to sweet success and ultimate triumph.



The Josh Beckett-Danielle Peck syndrome will elevate Castroneves to new levels of performance, all but securing his victory in the Great Race. (This is a more obscure example that stems from the 2007 ALCS when the Cleveland Indians brought an ex-flame of Red Sox's pitcher Josh Beckett to sing the national anthem. The unfazed Beckett threw a gem).



You've got two choices son, the easy way or the Hough way. Hope it works for you Helio.