Monday, April 7, 2008

Weekend recap

What happened while you were watching the Final Four and thinking, "when do the Masters start? This shit is awful."

* The IndyCar Series hit the streets/runways of St. Petersburg. If qualifying was any indication (it was), Champ Car ex-pats were going to be a force. For Sunday, the rains came, Graham Rahal won, and the world was told a riveting tale about Oriol Servia and his passion for Salvador Dali. Plus, someone at ABC/ESPN thought it would be a good idea to let Brienne Pedigo do the victory lane interview. As per norm, she shit the bed. It was awful. Here are your results. Aside from Rahal, a big props to EJ Viso, finishing p4 for HVM.

*NASCAR's top two divisions were in action at the Texas Motor Speedway. Carl Edwards took Sunday's Cup race, besting Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, Ryan Newman and Denny Hamlin.

*It was Kyle Busch who took his first Nationwide event of the season. Watching either race was one non-stop cowboy related cliche, complete with Jeff Hammond in a cowboy hat. Pretty sweet.

* F1 raced in the Middle-East (presumably in the Green Zone), Max Mosley was not. Felipe Massa won, more impressively Robert Kubica finished third, lofting BMW to the top of the Constructors Championship.

* The ALMS was on the streets of St. Pete. Their race was dry. Results. Thumbs up for ABC/ESPN coverage. I hope you like this race, because it will be around for a while longer.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Samsung 500 preview

Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.

This week: Texas. Where everything is bigger. (And this guy lives.)

TV: Fox 1:30pm EST
Location: Texas Motor Speedway (Fort Worth, TX)
Distance: 500 miles/334 laps
2007 Texas winners: J. Burton (spring race); J. Johnson (fall race).


*What to know:
Fast things happen in Texas. Why? you ask. Because Texas is fucking huge. Have you ever driven anywhere Texas? If you need to get somewhere in that God-forsaken state and happen to find yourself not already in the place you need to be, you're in for a trek. Even the simplest of travel activities can become a death march in Texas. Driving from town to town at anything less than triple-digit speeds is likely to suck the life from your day and spoil any time sensitive plans you were stupid enough to make. A quick drive to the grocery store? Four hours. Need to rent a movie? Two hours to your neighborhood Blockbuster. Looking to score some Rx pills or knockoff purses'? Well, Mexico is surprisingly close (Juarez is less than 30-minutes away from every major city in Texas, if I'm reading this map correctly).

Driving fast is a way of life in Texas. Vast expanses of highway (and no laws to speak of) leads to pickup trucks that barrel down the middle of the road, hell bent on bump drafting your family's AreoStar back to Abilene. If the old adage the speed kills is true, than Texas is full of murderers. Maybe that's the cause of the Texans' infatuation with the death penalty. It could also be the reason why 100,000 fans will pack the Texas Motor Speedway on Sunday for a stockcar race.





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The satellite view of the track fails to give a perspective that shows the corner banking. (Because it's a satellite, dumbass) This track features 24-degrees of slope in the corners, making the course the 1.5 mile circuit equivalent of Bristol. To put is in perspective, the now-defunct Champ Car series attempted to race at this track in 2001 but the event had to be canceled after drivers became dizzy and disorientated after weekend practice sessions. Granted, the Champ Cars were lapping the circuit about 40mph faster than a stockcar could ever dream of going, but the track certainly means business. Case in point: See the remains of Michael McDowell's car after Friday's qualifying wreck. Gross.

*Who to watch:

Tony Stewart: Old Smoke has yet to wheel his Camry (the still sounds incredibly gay) into victory lane. His teammates at Joe Gibbs Racing have all managed a tally a win this season, and Stewart is a is likely feeling the itch to join his mates. Stewart his seven career top-10 finishes at Texas Motor Speedway and one victory (fall race, 2006). It's no secret that fast tracks light Stewart's fire. He has to work his way to the front from mid pack (starting 24th) Sunday, but remains a guy to keep an eye on.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Junior joins Stewart in the sick group of drivers that seem most adept at racing on fast, high-banked ovals. Atlanta is Earnhardt's favorite track, and that course's similarity to Texas is staggering. He is forth in points going into Sunday's race (the highest of Hendrick Motorsport's four entries), and has a three top five finishes at Texas with one win. Add that to his starting position Sunday-the pole- and we have a clear favorite.

Jeff Burton: The current series' points leader has two career wins at Texas including a 'W' from the last time the Cup guys were in Fort Worth. Burton's lowest finish of the year has been 13th, and he has two straight top five finishes (including a win at Bristol). He starts 35th on Sunday (wait, that's not that too good), but expect him to hook up with Stewart and move from back to front.

*Dark Horse*

Juan Montoya: The foreign-guy starts 11th on Sunday, and has shown speed at Texas in his limited Lone-Star experience. (He has a top-10 in his two career starts and an average finish of 16.5. He qualified third for the fall race last season.) He is, well, a dark horse.


*For those heading to the track:

The Texas Motor Speedway wants you to have fun while at the track. Here is your tailgating information. Pack your cooler and have a gas in the grandstands. For those with hemorrhoid issues, the track does allow ass cushions. George Brett is thankful.

Traffic seems to be an issue around the track, so be prepared to wait whilst waiting to get to the parking lots. Also, some Ridebuyer editors (okay, it was me) had their (my) Dodge Neon rental car hit in the TMS parking lot in 2000 during the IRL race. The bastard drove off. Be advised, Texas race fans are criminals.

*Series points:

1. Jeff Burton
2. Kevin Harvick
3. Greg Biffle
4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
5. Kyle Busch
6. Tony Stewart
7. Kasey Kahne
8. Denny Hamlin
9. Jeff Gordon
10. Jimmie Johnson
11. Ryan Newman
12. Clint Bowyer

*Next Week, Phoenix. More Mexican jokes? I think so.

Michael McDowell hits a ton of Texas wall

Say what you will about NASCAR racing or the Car of Tomorrow, but damn, those things can take a beating and keep a driver in one piece.

From today's qualifying session at Texas:



Ridebuyer is willing to wager McDowell never hit the wall that hard whilst racing in Star Mazda.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

IndyCar season preview-part VI

Taking it team-by-team (must be read and hummed aloud to the cadence of the Micheal McDonald hit of the similar name).

Ridebuyer is happy to present the following team-by-team look into the 2008 IRL IndyCar season. Feel free to print the subsequent posts and compile your own personal Ridebuyer media guide. (Seriously, if anyone does this, DUI yourself into the nearest pond. Immediately.)

Ed. note: Ridebuyer is the first to admit it may not be fair to finish a "season preview," after the season has started. After seeing a race we could, theoretically, be more in tuned with what will transpire this season. We have seen the drivers, cars and teams in action and can adjust our "preview" accordingly. Some may cry shenanigans, some may call this a cop out. Fortunately, we are not those kind of people. So, if you are, go to hell. It is not our fault that procrastination has prevented timely-posting. In fact, we blame you. Yes, you. Bastards.

In this post... Mediocrity: Rahal Letterman Racing, Roth Racing and Vision Racing.

Rahal Letterman Racing:

What to Know:

RLR is fielding a single-car this season for Ryan Hunter-Reay. The American has shown the ability to run at or near the front in his short tenure in the IndyCar Series. He took Rookie of the Year honors last season despite running an abbreviated schedule (after Rahal's ouster of Jeff Simmons). Hunter-Reay had victories in Champ Cars, showed some speed in sportscars and even completed some NASCAR testing. The guy is good enough to win races, exceeding the potential of his equipment. The team has downsized to a single car, went through a messy split with former driver Scott Sharp, lost Sharp's tequila deal, and seem to be left with nothing more than Hunter-Reay and his occasional ethanol-farming commercials. The team is also branching out into sportscar racing for 2009 (running GT-2 BMW's in the ALMS), plus team owner Bobby Rahal is likely more concerned with his son running an IndyCar (at Newman/Haas/Lanigan, mind you) than he lets on. The point is, the team has a lot of things going on, and this comes at the detriment of Hunter-Reay.

Summation:

The team is only a handful of years removed from taking Buddy Rice to victory lane at Indy, but things have changed. Dramatically. Expect Hunter-Reay to show consistent speed on road and street courses (see: Mid-Ohio last season), but nothing more.

Roth Racing:

What to Know:

The juggernaut known as Roth Racing is back, and team owner Marty Roth is still in the cockpit. Gasp. This guy takes shit from almost everyone concerning his driving ability, his team and his general attendance at IndyCar events. Marty Roth would probably get stoned from fans for just showing up at a race and sitting in the stands. That is, if anyone would recognize him from the pretzel vendor walking the aisles of the nose bleed seats at Homestead (not likely). To all those folks who shit on Marty, Ridebuyer says relax. When you become a millionaire businessman, you have earned the right to blow your cash on whatever you damn well please. Some guys choose airplanes, boats, or call girls, but Marty likes him some racing. Roth is a Ridebuyer in every sense of the word, and we like that. Sure, he wads a few cars up and is a habitual back marker. But he is doing it. Keep on keeping on, Marty. Oh, and he hired a pretty damn good teammate for this season in Jay Howard.

Summation:

Brace for a racing cliche:

A top-10 for this team would be like a win... Thinking in those terms: will Roth Racing win a race this year? Yes.

Vision Racing:

What to Know:

Tony George's team has progressed from also ran status, to a contender for podiums. Let that sink in for a moment... The team whose genesis came from George's stepson being left rideless is now not a joke. Ed Carpenter has become quite the little racing driver. He and teammate ( A.J. Foyt IV) are the only remaining IndyCar drivers to progress from the USAC ranks, and both are pretty seasoned in oval racing. The team was quick at Homestead (though failing post-qualifying tech was a bit of a setback), as both drivers finished in the top-10. Carpenter's car sports a new sponsor in Menards, and the last season addition of Larry Curry has been nothing but positive. (Here is some info on Curry's, um, past legal issues, which oddly stem from his time with John Menard, the aforementioned new sponsor. Glad to see they buried the hatchet.) The team also has a certain Hollywood big-deal on their side, as Patrick Dempsey is a co-owner. He is most well known from his timeless depiction of 'Rudy' in Meatballs III: Summer Job, the role that defined a generation.

Summation:

The team will struggle on circuits that feature right and left turns. Expect speed on ovals, especially of the 1.5 mile variety. Podiums are very possible for both Foyt and Carpenter on these tracks. Expect no wins, but competitiveness (barring further technical foul-ups). Also, look for Vision to run a car at Indy for Paul Tracy. You heard it here last.



-Ed. note: Hey, the season preview is done! Jesus, thank Christ. And just in time for race #2 at St. Pete. Haha. #2....

Bahrain has no room for Nazi orgyists

You know things could be better in your life when you get banned from entering a Middle-Eastern country because of your sexual habits. For FIA-head Max Mosley, things could be much better. The following letter was scribed to Mosley by the Crown Prince of Bahrain, saying in no uncertain terms, his presence is not welcome during the forthcoming Grand Prix of Bahrain.

Dear Max,

I was sorry to learn of the media stories which emerged on Sunday in the UK. In light of the allegations, I suspect you may be deliberating on your planned attendance at the Grand Prix here in Bahrain later in the week. I therefore felt it important to convey the position of Bahrain and its people. Clearly of paramount importance is the success of the event for all concerned - the Kingdom of Bahrain, Formula 1 and spectators. The focus quite rightly should be on the race. With great regret I feel that under the current circumstances, it would be inappropriate for you to be in Bahrain at this time. I don't want to add to the difficulties in which you find yourself, but I hope you understand the position we have taken.

Yours sincerely,

Shaikh Salman Bin Hamad Al-Khalifa
Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Bahrain

Letter obtained from the London Times.

Aside from being barred from Bahrain, F1 teams have issued a statement condemning Mosley and his Nazi-themed sex practices. Not surprisingly, Mercedes and BMW spearheaded the statement. (For those who are automobile manufacturer-retarded, Mercedes and BMW are German companies. For those who are historically-retarded, the Nazis were German too.) Max's week just got a little worse. Ridebuyer's week just got a little more funny.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Nazi orgy update

FIA-head Max Mosley has decided to take the highroad in dealing with the ouster of his freaky sex practices.

By the highroad, we (of course) mean blame a shadowy conspiracy set in motion by those damned French.


"From information provided to me by an impeccable high-level source close to the UK police and security services, I understand that over the last two weeks or so, a covert investigation of my private life and background has been undertaken by a group specialising in such things, for reasons and clients as yet unknown. I have had similar but less well-sourced information from France."

Mosley goes on to deny his actions had any sort of "Nazi connotations," and adds he plans to sue the newspaper (The News of the World) for publishing the story/video. Oh, and he plans to keep his position with the world motorsports sanctioning body.


Well, at least there were no "Nazi connotations" involved in the orgy. Unless you count the Nazi uniforms worn by the hookers. Oh, and the obligatory lice check.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

IndyCar season preview-part V

Taking it team-by-team (must be read and hummed aloud to the cadence of the Micheal McDonald hit of the similar name).

Ridebuyer is happy to present the following team-by-team look into the 2008 IRL IndyCar season. Feel free to print the subsequent posts and compile your own personal Ridebuyer media guide. (Seriously, if anyone does this, DUI yourself into the nearest pond. Immediately.)

Ed. note: Ridebuyer is the first to admit it may not be fair to finish a "season preview," after the season has started. After seeing a race we could, theoretically, be more in tuned with what will transpire this season. We have seen the drivers, cars and teams in action and can adjust our "preview" accordingly. Some may cry shenanigans, some may call this a cop out. Fortunately, I am not one of those people. So, if you are, go to hell. Plus, the only thing to come from Saturday's opener was a reaffirmation that the two teams listed below are good. Very good.

In this post, the heavyweights: Target Chip Ganassi Racing and Team Penske.

Target Chip Ganassi Racing:

What to Know:

This team is the clear favorite to win the championship and the Indy 500. The team's two drivers (Scott Dixon and Dan Wheldon) might be the two best oval racers of this era, the team is well funded, and sports some of brightest guys in the paddock. The man largely responsible for the team's success in IndyCars is Mike Hull. His title is long and ambiguous (Team Managing Director), but under his eye the team has won four CART titles, an IRL championship and the Indy 500. For some reason, you really don't see the breadth of Hull's knowledge during his obligatory 30-second Q&A with Brienne Pedigo. Ganassi racing is a machine and no paragraph preview needs to point this out.

Summation:

This team is the boss. To illustrate their boss-ness, here is a Rick Ross video.





Oh, and Dixon is going to win the title.

Team Penske:

What to know:

Penske's personnel, equipment, funding and other intangibles are just as sterling (if not more so) than the Ganassi-bunch. A new driver is in the mix for this season (Ryan Briscoe teams with Helio Castroneves), but the departure of Sam Hornish will not impact the team as much as some predict. Briscoe has IndyCar experience and is a flat-out stud in a sportscars. Both drivers will be in contention for wins every week. As for the Penske team, they are the pretty damn bright also. Need some proof? Read The Unfair Advantage and keep in mind Mark Donahue was Penske's driver when the book was scribed.

Summation:

Wins? You bet. Indy 500? Wouldn't bet against it. (Maybe even Briscoe.) Championship? Well, we just said Dixon was going away with that honor, so I guess not.